Hitting 'Refresh'* button on Jesus:
The Second Parable of the Talents
The Gospel According to Saint Matthew 25: 14-30
as updated by David Bagwell
14. For the kingdom of heaven is as a man traveling into a far country who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.
15. And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.
16. Then he that had received the five talents went and asked Sen. Chris Dodd (D.-CT) (Chairman of the Senate Banking Committee) and Representative Barney Frank (D.-MA) (Chairman of the House Banking Committee) and Franklin Raines (former head of the Federal National Mortgage Association) what to do with the money, and they said, “Take the five talents, and go to Angelo Mozillo of Countrywide Finance and tell them we sent you there to become listed as ‘a friend of Angelo,’ and to borrow as many talents as you can from your home under your new Equity Line of Credit from Countrywide, and to help the poor by investing it all in subprime mortgage loans, to people who have no income, all as we have required banks to do under the Community Reinvestment Act, whether they think such loans are prudent or not.” He did as he was told, and all of those talents were so lent. The lenders lost the original promissory notes, and the mortgages were all combined and sliced and diced and remixed in order to become unrecognizable as mortgages, but to be instead instruments to be sold as securities certified as Triple-A investments by the rating agencies, paid to so rate them. But the mortgagors all defaulted on their mortgages, and they ought to have been foreclosed upon, but the bankers could not ever find the original promissory notes, and so the mortgages were worthless and they tanked, and the properties quickly became worthless, and the credit default swaps he had bought did not pay the loss. So he lost all of his talents, and lost his own talents besides, leaving a huge debt on his home Equity Line of Credit, which went underwater when the value of his own home plummeted as a result of all this.
17. And likewise he that had received two talents, he asked Stan O’Neal, President of Merrill Lynch, who told him, “Buy stocks in big banks and investment banks; you cannot go wrong doing that,” and he bought stock in Bear, Stearns, and in Lehman Brothers, and in Citi Bank. And he did the same thing with half of his 401(k) plan. He lost all of his master’s money and half the value of his own 401(k) plan.
18. But he that had received one talent, went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.
19. After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.
20. And so he that had received five talents came and said “Lord, I invested as Chris Dodd and Barney Frank and Franklin Raines and Angelo Mozingo said, in subprime mortgages for to help the poor, all in accordance with the Community Reinvestment Act requirements of the
Comptroller of the Currency and the FDIC, but as you have always said, ‘the poor you will have with you always’, and sad to say I have lost all of my money, and you have also lost yours.”
21. His lord answered and said unto him, “Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that mortgagees do not reap where the mortgagor hath sowed not, nor gather where they have not strawed; Thou oughtest therefore to have just digged in the earth, and hiddeth mine money.”
22. He that had received two talents came and said, “Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents, and I did as I was told by Stan O’Neal of Merrill, Lynch, and I bought stock in the large banks Bear Stearns, and Lehman Brothers, and Citi Bank, and they all went broke and I lost all of your money that thou didst leave with me.”
23. His lord answered and said unto him, “Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that mortgagees do not reap where the mortgagor hath sowed not, nor gather where they have not strawed; Thou oughtest therefore to have just digged in the earth, and hiddeth mine money.”
24. Then he that had received the one talent came and said, “Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed;
25. And I was afraid, and went and digged in the earth, and hid my talent in the earth, and also put mine 401(k) plan in the earth also, and lo, there thou hast that is thine, and I have my 401(k) plan, and I am the only servant in the world who still hath the entirety of his 401(k) plan.”
26. His Lord said unto him, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou has been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.”
27. For verily, it is good that thou hast not put thy talent with the moneychangers, for the moneychangers have lost the money of all who puttest their money with them, and have furthermore paid themselves huge dividends and golden showers of shekels from the money put with them by the workers and teachers and mechanics.
28. And the Lord saith, “Take therefore the talents from both those other servants, and take the penny stocks of Citibank that still remain, and go and sell them for pennies, and go and dig a hole in the earth and put the pennies there that they might yet be there next year, after the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation hath seized Citi Bank.”
29. “For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.”
30. “And cast ye the unprofitable servants into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
(*Translation into the Russian Tongue is not provided.)
