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Hair today, gone tomorrow

By Emmett Burnett
Archeologists have discovered a 4,000-year-old lock of human hair. They said it was from a bald man (probably because they had his hair). He had A-positive blood and bad teeth (Duh, he hasn’t brushed them in 4 thousand years). This and more information was gleaned from four strands of ancient hair.

Yeah, right.

Do they really expect us to believe that prehistoric tresses can reveal someone had brown eyes, never went bowling and ate turnips? I think not.

Other than four hairs, this Fred Flintstone wannabe has no record, documentation, or Facebook. You can say anything about him and he can’t refute it.

This won’t happen again.

If by chance 4000 years from now
scientists unearth my remains, I
want to eliminate the guesswork as
to what I or you were like.

So here is my letter to the future:

"To whom it may concern:

If this is year 6010 and you discovered four strands of my hair, congratulations. When I walked the earth I only had eight.

Before you make unfounded assertions about early man Emmett, let me put it to rest:

My diet contained a lot of chicken nuggets. Chances are you found some - as chicken nuggets never deteriorate. If there is a small plastic toy embedded in the nuggets, this was called a Happy Meal. The plastic toy had the same nutritional value as the nuggets.

Four thousand years ago our Congress passed a Stimulus Package. You are probably still paying for it. We also struggled with health care. The President said the government would provide the best health care possible. It wasn’t that good. I’m dead.

Four thousand years ago we were concerned with global warming. Scientists like you gave dire predictions of how the earth was heating up and doom was around the corner. We tried holding meetings about global warming but they were canceled due to blizzards.

Perhaps you only found four hairs like we did from that man four thousand years before me. Or maybe I cleaned up real good and there is more to study, like my iPhone. This was an electronic device used for making phone calls. It is similar to other telephones except costing double because it has a picture of an apple on it.

I wish we could ask you future people some questions, too. Like: How much is a cup of Starbucks now? My guess is around 40 bucks. Did you ever find Bin Laden? Or was he killed in a Toyota like everyone else?

So that’s pretty much me. You can pick over my hairs, bones, unpaid taxes (ha! I got away with it!) Or whatever else is left.

You future folks have probably seen many amazing things during the millenniums. But regardless of your experiences, four thousand years ago, a Republican seized Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, the Saints won the Super Bowl, and Chickasaw voted in bingo. Top that.

(Burnett has been a freelance writer in Mobile for more than 20 years. For more information, visit his website.)
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