Nothing certain, but death, taxes
and taxes are about to kill me
By Emmett Burnett
“Nothing can be certain but death and taxes.” Benjamin Franklin said that in the 1700’s. “Taxes are killing me.” I say that every April.
It’s not that I pay too much taxes. Actually Vice President Joe Biden said it’s our patriotic duty to pay more. His government housing, armed guards, private jet, catered meals and free mail service depend on it.
It’s not that I disrespect IRS rules and penalties applying to all of us except Congressmen Charles Rangel, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank, ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and of course, Treasury Secretary, IRS boss and tax cheat, Timothy Geithner.
Nor am I unwilling to pay for tax-funded projects such as $82,000 for the preservation of Hawaiian Monk Seals or the $26,000 study on how thoroughly Americans wash their dishes. And of course the $8 trillion Stimulus Package to solve America’s economic woes by funding such vital needs as the Las Vegas Mobster Museum.
I am resolved to rendering to Ceasar but wish he was easier to render to. Six hours into this night I am W-2, Appendix III, Worksheet 1, Forms 1099 Schedule C, D, and E, code crazy.
Let’s examine this word “code.” According to the dictionary, code is a set of instructions sent, scrambled or disguised. Most can see it but not understand what they see. Hence the words, ‘tax code.’
CBS’s Sixty Minutes once ran a segment on income tax preparation. Armed with typical household information, the reporter submitted his paperwork to five major tax preparation services. All five completed the returns. All five yielded different results. If pros can’t get it right, don’t expect me to.
Not only is good ol' Form 1040 undecipherable it is too subjective. For example to answer the question “Who is head of household?” My wife and I are both head of household – unless I botch a home repair, then I am.
And my favorite question, “List disposable income.” I don’t recall throwing any of it away.
And I am uncomfortable with reporting charitable giving. The Feds require listing clothing items I donated to Goodwill Industries. Swell, now my 2008 wardrobe is public record.
Another source of contention is the “List medical bills” section. Our government has set an entry amount for medicine and doctor fees one must meet before receiving your deductible. So far only two have met this criterion: lepers and the Elephant Man.
Here are a few other tax items that may drive you to drink, which may not be bad as alcohol treatment is deductible:
- 1. If you smoke, cigarettes are severely taxed. But tobacco farmers receive tax credits. So don’t smoke it, grow it.
- 2. Interest income from CD’s, real estate sales, stocks and bonds are subject to capital gains taxes. If you made money in 2008 please accept my condolences. As a freelance writer I know not this concept of making money, but if you do, my sympathies are with you during this trying time.
- 3. We also receive credit for driving green eco-friendly hybrid automobiles, the kind George Jetson drives. The $300 deduction is for a vehicle requiring a $2000 battery.
- 4. The IRS will fill out your tax return for free and Dracula will give you a ride to the blood bank. But if the IRS preparer makes a mistake on your return, you pay the fine. The IRS agent uses that money to pay for his tax returns at H&R Block.
So take heart. We have survived wars, pestilence, hurricanes, and disasters both natural and congressional. We always survive April 15. Unless of course you are late filing. In that case penalties and interest may apply.
Many happy returns – 1040 and otherwise.
(Burnett has been a freelance writer in Mobile for more than 20 years. For more information, visit his website.)
