Pomp and circumstance indeed
By Emmett Burnett
Every May, high school commencement speakers address a sea of graduates proclaiming something like: “Class of ’09, the future is yours but you’ve inherited a world that is a mess and we are depending on you to fix it.” Baloney.
Not to slight this milestone called Graduation Day, and indeed you are not responsible for earth’s problems. But so far you haven’t been much help in fixing them either.
Sure we are handing you an imperfect world –- just as it was when we got it. But for the past 12 years you’ve studied comfortably without fear of polio or backyard bomb shelters. Russians only attack on PlayStation.
So I get a bit peeved when commencement speakers apologize for the mess we are in while begging for your help. No offense but everything you wear, drive, eat, play on, sleep in, medicate with, and dispose of was created by those who walked the graduation stage before you.
Now it’s your turn to contribute but the bar is set high.
Land on the moon? Been there.
Tear down the Berlin Wall? Done that.
Lower taxes? Good luck.
But conquering the world begins tomorrow; this is your night, enjoy the commencement service. Be sure to take a good look at your classmates because statistics state that once you leave tonight’s graduation ceremony, 60 percent of you will never see each other again for the rest of your life.
Also tonight is the last day when being popular has relevance. Within 10 years jobs, taxes, paying the bills you can and sweating the ones you can’t, move to the forefront.
Soon you will look back at this month reminiscing, “whatever happened to my prom date? Oh yeah, I married her.”
Graduation speakers always point out, “Perhaps some of you are destined for greatness, a future president could be in our midst, we never know.”
Remember the graduate who walked the stage while his family’s village idiot sounded an air-horn blast salute? He is not the future president.
If tomorrow seems daunting on graduation night, take heart, there is good news: starting tomorrow algebra doesn’t exist. It’s time we let you in on a secret, algebra only exists to provide income for algebra teachers. You will never see it again. Same goes for social studies and gym shorts.
I’ve been out of Vigor High School for decades but remember cramming for a world history exam. It’s been over 30 years and I am still waiting for someone to ask me what the capital of New Zealand is (Auckland).
Once I went to Wal-Mart and when the associate rang up my groceries and said, “that’ll be $123 dollars,” I replied, “did you know the capital of New Zealand is Auckland?” The bill remained $123 dollars.
But I also am annoyed at so-called “polls” every school year end reporting how graduating seniors can’t identify Delaware on a map, diagram a sentence, or name the past five kings of England. The polls don’t tell you the rest of us can’t either. For the most part we turned out OK. You will too.
A world leader once said, “I have no respect for today’s youth. They are lazy, unreliable, and show little respect for elders.” Adolf Hitler was wrong. You will do just fine.
So congratulations Senior Class of 2009. It is your turn to spin the wheel of fortune. We hand the baton to you. Don’t drop it.
(Burnett has been a freelance writer in Mobile for more than 20 years. For more information, visit his website.)
