Soccer, smocker,
give me football
By Emmett Burnett
Can we agree that soccer is the most overrated sport thrust upon mankind? I could not care less about the World Cup. No one here does, except the U.S. team and their mammas. Yet in June we were bombarded with exciting “breaking news” like final scores of 2 to 1, overtimes when the first player to kick the ball past the goalie wins, or a 1-1 tie. Whoopee.
Who else but Third World Countries celebrate tie ballgames? Bear Bryant said, “A tie is like kissing your sister.” Bear Bryant didn’t like soccer either. Know who does? – Europeans. Especially the French - people who practice a 12 hour work week, eat snails, and think Jerry Lewis is funny. The French are good at soccer, too. They practiced while we bailed them out of two world wars – but I digress.
The world has pushed soccer on us for decades with no luck. Some countries even have the audacity to call it ‘football.’ I’d like to see them play real football. Let Algeria’s team of sissy-shorts face Alabama’s defensive line. Let’s see whose left standing, kicker boy.
Soccer brainwashing starts during elementary grades as children play in various school and public sponsored programs. It ends there too for most of us. But some continue, the few, the proud, the forgotten.
Who knows the University of Alabama has the number one football team in America? Everybody. Who knows the University of Portland has the number one soccer team in America? Who cares?
And that brings us to June’s World Cup Series. I flew to Alaska last month - 2,300 miles in flight. During the commute foreigners in major airports were glued to the World Cup payoffs. Iranians cheered their victorious teams while Iraqis shouted support for theirs. I was glad to see Arabian joy because if I’m flying with radical Muslim Shiites, I want them happy. And everyone I saw watching televised soccer had joy in their hearts and English as a second language. It would be a good flight.
Back home now, and the World Cup continues to thrill. At this writing a heated contest is set between North Korea and the Ivory Coast. Slovakia beat Italy, 3-2, and Ghana and Paraguay are still contenders. Oh, be still my trembling heart.
Soccer began 3,000 years ago in China when ancient Asians played a game of kicking a ball of animal skins stuffed with hair. The sport was called “tsu chu” probably because no one would play a game called “hair ball.”
Through the millenniums the sport has seen many spin-offs such as kick ball – the objective being to kick a ball and run bases. And rugby – the object being to kill a player. But soccer lives on.
I realize some parents reading this may be offended as their children are active in the above mentioned school and civil soccer programs. I mean no harm and wish your child the best as he or she pursues this sport. Perhaps your offspring will have a future as a professional player and be on a team where soccer is popular.
Good luck with your move to France.
(Burnett has been a freelance writer in Mobile for more than 20 years. For more information, visit his website.)
