Not to carp about it, but
Obama a fish out of water
By Emmett Burnett
The White House recently named an Asian Carp Czar. Finally! Obama is taking the fight to the fish. About time that ‘Hope and Change’ stuff kicked in.
Let’s review: In the 1970’s Southern catfish farmers imported Asian carp to stock their ponds and eat algae. It worked. Carp love algae – and anything else it can swallow. The fish can grow to 100 pounds, 3 feet long, and eat 20 percent of its body weight daily.
And since Southerners imported this aqua-pest; it is our fault. Regrettably this is the second time a national crisis originated in the South, the first being Jimmy Carter. And somehow the carnivorous carp migrated up the Mississippi River and now threatens The Great Lakes. Or does it?
Not on my watch, said Obama. “This threat will be eliminated.”
So the president who does nothing to stop illegal human immigration vows to fight fish doing the same thing.
There is only one way to scale this creature with an attitude, surmised the White House. We must appoint a carp czar and give him a $78.5 million dollar budget.
Environmental activist John Goss was chosen to make carp croak. He is from Chicago, just like Obama, which is entirely coincidental. The ‘Czar’ concept originating in the Soviet Union, one of the countries Obama frequently apologizes to, also coincidental.
When asked his qualifications for being czar-of-the-month, Goss said, “I’m a fisherman.” That sold me. Welcome Mr. Goss. You are number 39 of unelected, un-vetted, and unchecked, government officials in the President’s Czar Club.
I admit we have a problem with this fish fret. After all, these are Asian carp – perhaps performing better on academic achievement tests than American ones. Carp consume our resources, cost taxpayers and demand services while contributing nothing. If they could vote Obama would love them.
But we also have a Department of Fish and Wildlife. It seems to me a government agency that includes in its name the word “fish” might have more experience handling carp than some guy with a resume stating, “I’m a fisherman.”
And can’t we all just get along? Whatever happened to tolerance? Where is PETA, the Sierra Club and other ‘up with animals - down with people’ organizations? Why are they silent on proposed carp-icide?
It is time to save the carp and here’s how: Build a carp mosque in New York City. As soon as polls show 70 percent of America opposes it the White House will become powerful carp crusaders.
Move the carp to Arizona. Obama hates Arizona but welcomes the state’s illegal immigration. If the fish give birth there, the young become naturalized American citizens.
Generate a fish stimulus package. As mentioned, Asian Carp can reach 100 pounds; they are too big to fail.
Give each carp $50,000 dollars, qualifying the fish as ‘middle class’ - just a matter of time before it’s extinct.
These are a few suggestions Mr. Goss. Good luck as our new Carp Czar. I am confident a solution is imminent. One day we will come together, man and fish, hand and fin. All we are asking is give carp a chance.
And good luck working with the president who gave us a Carp Czar, along with government controlled health care, an auto-maker bailout and is in tune with the American people like a fish out of water.
(Burnett has been a freelance writer in Mobile for more than 20 years. For more information, visit his website.)